Scorchers Are Coming!
Minnesota may be the Land of 100,000 Lakes, but most of them have been polluted by chemicals, weeds, and—worst of all—Asian immigrants fishing for mutant carp that will probably lead to an outbreak of something worse than Ebola and Zika combined! For all those people who aren’t fortunate enough to have a clean lake or healthily chlorinated pool nearby, we’ve asked three teenagers from Fairfax Middle School (part of the Gibbon-Winthrop-Fairfax district southeast of the Metro Area) to come up with wacky schemes to keep you cool, fresh, and happy during the hundred-plus degrees of hell we’re supposed to have later this week.
Destiny Roach, Grade 6: My grandpa owned a business that sold them wooden pools that go in your yard, not in the ground, but then the government told him he gotta sell the property his store was on so they could build a Air Force base there. He was not happy about it and now moved to Oregon and thinks he’s being tracked by some people from Washington who have control of spaceships and stuff like that. Oh god, someone just walked by with a bag from DQ! I hope my mom will buy me one of them Cheese Quake Blizzards after supper today.
Brock Sharpe, Grade 8: Fuck this stupid question, get an air conditioner, and go listen to the goddamn Bloodhound Gang because they RULE!!!!!
Haven Leigh Christensen, Grade 7: In my family, we have a saying, and that saying is that Jesus is the only way. We also have a saying that if you have a sassy mouth, you might wind up spending some quality time with Daddy’s belt. But anyway, how would Jesus keep cool in the summertime? Well, I’m not really sure!!!! But I guess he didn’t wear much aside from a cloth diaper and a crown of thorns, which was probably a lot cheaper than those wonderful cargo shorts you can get at the Fleet Farm down the road. And although Jesus had long hair, I asked my pastor if it’s godly for boys to cut their hair short like in that weird half-shaved way that a lot of people in sinful Minneapolis have it, and he said that in the time of Jesus, it was not considered homosexual and womanly for a man to have longer hair, but now we should stick to traditional American Christian haircuts and my barber also goes to my church, so I guess it’s okay to dress like Jesus but have different hair. I also like to drink a big glass of Kool Aid and put some ice cubes in the glass but also put some in the pool we got for my brother. It’s shaped like a turtle. Isn’t that cute?
I Love the Interviews They Do on NPR
HOST: I often hear people saying that these Millennials are getting their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, but I don’t agree. I think they’re pretty politically savvy and already come to comedy with a sense of nuance. Do you feel that way about your audience?
COMIC: Actually, I want my work to be able to speak to anyone, so as horrible as it might sound, I hope they’ll listen whether or not they really follow so-called intelligent news coverage.
H: You know, that reminds me of some You Tube videos I was watching last weekend from old Richard Pryor performances. Do you consider him one of the influences for your comedy?
C: It’s funny you say that, because I was also trying to study up on some of his stuff, and it’s amazing how many of my peers echo the same feelings that he tapped into twenty, thirty years ago.
H: Exactly. Let’s hear a clip from one of his Broadway routines. This is from 1977.
PRYOR IN CLIP: I have a Puerto Rican mother and a negro father, and I grew up in a high rise building filled with Jews in an Italian neighborhood! When I was a kid, people looked at me and said, “He’s all of ‘em!”
C and H: (laugher)
H: What’s amazing about that is he wasn’t even making a joke; he was just being honest and he sort of used that as a way to connect with audiences who might not consider themselves minorities, or hadn’t participated in the minority experience.
C: I know! It’s crazy that he can get a response like that from just telling the truth. Just by saying his mom was Latina and his father was an African-America, and talking about his neighborhood—that’s not a joke! It’s just real, and that’s what was like a hook that really resonated with everyone.
H: So you’ve written a book called How to Make White People Laugh. (laughing) How did you come up with that?
C: Well, in a society where white people control practically everything around us, one of my mottos is to keep them laughing, to keep them oiled up in case you need a favor, to punch with a really soft glove.
H: (laughing) Let’s read some of the things on this list you wrote, this list of seventy-four or however many things you put on the white people list.
C: (laughing) Yes, it’s seventy-four.
H: “Fart jokes, Simpsons references, cute shorthaired puppies . . .” (laughing too hard to continue)
C: (laughing)
H: The puppies one! How did you come up with that?
C: Well—spoiler alert—I recently bought a puppy, and when I’m out walking her, people will just laugh at her. So I put it on the list.
H: (laughing) That is so funny!
C: (laughing)
H: You also cover some difficult conversations with your Muslim parents in a fairly straightforward way. Talk about that.
C: (laughing) Well . . .
The Brightest Stars in the Food Galaxy
My favorite television program, The Food Network Star show, is almost over, which is totes making me want to cry a single tear! They find these, like, amazeballs peeps who are so totally real and make the most yummiest chow you can imagine! And all the haterz who feel the need to talk shiz about Giada’s teeth—you’re just jelly! Suck it!!!! Anyway, they’re down to the final three, and my BFF—who’s a total Nancy Drew Redditor, like the FBI should be getting her digits asap—found leaked descriptions for all three of their shows!! Of course only one of those shows will actually happen, but I guess they want to be prepared or avoid leaks or whatever and ever amen, etc. So without further adieu, here they are!!!!!
Damiano Carrara, Bella EATaly: Damiano’s having some of his closest paisanos over for a casual dinner party. For starters, they’ll enjoy his gooey rice balls with marinara de la casa. Then, it’s chicken parmesano rollatini with cavatapi Milano, a decadent saffron-scented main course. They’ll want a dolce finish, and what hits that spot more than boozy tiramisu with a molten marscapone dipping sauce! You’ll dream about Damiano coming to your casa and telling you “buon appetito,” but if he did, you wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway because of his incomprehensible goddamn accent!!!!!!!
Tregaye Fraser: Sassy Tregaye’s Whimsical Poppin’ Feast on Fleek: Y’all know that Tragaye’s shoe game is always poppin’, but her poppin’ popcorn shrimp with a sassy, saucy Sriracha marinade will get this whimsical backyard BBQ off to a poppin’ start! Next, her chicken fleek-a masala with honey “chile” mustard glaze will have you saying “Yasssssss!” with more intensity and sass than the most stereotypically gay YouTube “celebrity” on the interwebs!!! The BBQ ends with a poppin’ twist on s’mores: the secret’s in the jazzed-up Grand Marnier marshmallow shots that hit the spot with these gooey morsels of decadence.
Jernard Wells: Food of Love from the Chef of Love: From the chef so full of love that he’s managed to father almost ten children comes an overflow of love juices that will seduce that special lady or man in your life. Aphrodisiac oyster fritters will have you gagging for cock and/or vagina. Then, a main course of lobster comes with a thick injection of decadent butter you’ll want to lick off your lover’s nipples. The evening ends with three minutes of forgettable missionary sex and only one orgasm.
Minnesota may be the Land of 100,000 Lakes, but most of them have been polluted by chemicals, weeds, and—worst of all—Asian immigrants fishing for mutant carp that will probably lead to an outbreak of something worse than Ebola and Zika combined! For all those people who aren’t fortunate enough to have a clean lake or healthily chlorinated pool nearby, we’ve asked three teenagers from Fairfax Middle School (part of the Gibbon-Winthrop-Fairfax district southeast of the Metro Area) to come up with wacky schemes to keep you cool, fresh, and happy during the hundred-plus degrees of hell we’re supposed to have later this week.
Destiny Roach, Grade 6: My grandpa owned a business that sold them wooden pools that go in your yard, not in the ground, but then the government told him he gotta sell the property his store was on so they could build a Air Force base there. He was not happy about it and now moved to Oregon and thinks he’s being tracked by some people from Washington who have control of spaceships and stuff like that. Oh god, someone just walked by with a bag from DQ! I hope my mom will buy me one of them Cheese Quake Blizzards after supper today.
Brock Sharpe, Grade 8: Fuck this stupid question, get an air conditioner, and go listen to the goddamn Bloodhound Gang because they RULE!!!!!
Haven Leigh Christensen, Grade 7: In my family, we have a saying, and that saying is that Jesus is the only way. We also have a saying that if you have a sassy mouth, you might wind up spending some quality time with Daddy’s belt. But anyway, how would Jesus keep cool in the summertime? Well, I’m not really sure!!!! But I guess he didn’t wear much aside from a cloth diaper and a crown of thorns, which was probably a lot cheaper than those wonderful cargo shorts you can get at the Fleet Farm down the road. And although Jesus had long hair, I asked my pastor if it’s godly for boys to cut their hair short like in that weird half-shaved way that a lot of people in sinful Minneapolis have it, and he said that in the time of Jesus, it was not considered homosexual and womanly for a man to have longer hair, but now we should stick to traditional American Christian haircuts and my barber also goes to my church, so I guess it’s okay to dress like Jesus but have different hair. I also like to drink a big glass of Kool Aid and put some ice cubes in the glass but also put some in the pool we got for my brother. It’s shaped like a turtle. Isn’t that cute?
I Love the Interviews They Do on NPR
HOST: I often hear people saying that these Millennials are getting their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, but I don’t agree. I think they’re pretty politically savvy and already come to comedy with a sense of nuance. Do you feel that way about your audience?
COMIC: Actually, I want my work to be able to speak to anyone, so as horrible as it might sound, I hope they’ll listen whether or not they really follow so-called intelligent news coverage.
H: You know, that reminds me of some You Tube videos I was watching last weekend from old Richard Pryor performances. Do you consider him one of the influences for your comedy?
C: It’s funny you say that, because I was also trying to study up on some of his stuff, and it’s amazing how many of my peers echo the same feelings that he tapped into twenty, thirty years ago.
H: Exactly. Let’s hear a clip from one of his Broadway routines. This is from 1977.
PRYOR IN CLIP: I have a Puerto Rican mother and a negro father, and I grew up in a high rise building filled with Jews in an Italian neighborhood! When I was a kid, people looked at me and said, “He’s all of ‘em!”
C and H: (laugher)
H: What’s amazing about that is he wasn’t even making a joke; he was just being honest and he sort of used that as a way to connect with audiences who might not consider themselves minorities, or hadn’t participated in the minority experience.
C: I know! It’s crazy that he can get a response like that from just telling the truth. Just by saying his mom was Latina and his father was an African-America, and talking about his neighborhood—that’s not a joke! It’s just real, and that’s what was like a hook that really resonated with everyone.
H: So you’ve written a book called How to Make White People Laugh. (laughing) How did you come up with that?
C: Well, in a society where white people control practically everything around us, one of my mottos is to keep them laughing, to keep them oiled up in case you need a favor, to punch with a really soft glove.
H: (laughing) Let’s read some of the things on this list you wrote, this list of seventy-four or however many things you put on the white people list.
C: (laughing) Yes, it’s seventy-four.
H: “Fart jokes, Simpsons references, cute shorthaired puppies . . .” (laughing too hard to continue)
C: (laughing)
H: The puppies one! How did you come up with that?
C: Well—spoiler alert—I recently bought a puppy, and when I’m out walking her, people will just laugh at her. So I put it on the list.
H: (laughing) That is so funny!
C: (laughing)
H: You also cover some difficult conversations with your Muslim parents in a fairly straightforward way. Talk about that.
C: (laughing) Well . . .
The Brightest Stars in the Food Galaxy
My favorite television program, The Food Network Star show, is almost over, which is totes making me want to cry a single tear! They find these, like, amazeballs peeps who are so totally real and make the most yummiest chow you can imagine! And all the haterz who feel the need to talk shiz about Giada’s teeth—you’re just jelly! Suck it!!!! Anyway, they’re down to the final three, and my BFF—who’s a total Nancy Drew Redditor, like the FBI should be getting her digits asap—found leaked descriptions for all three of their shows!! Of course only one of those shows will actually happen, but I guess they want to be prepared or avoid leaks or whatever and ever amen, etc. So without further adieu, here they are!!!!!
Damiano Carrara, Bella EATaly: Damiano’s having some of his closest paisanos over for a casual dinner party. For starters, they’ll enjoy his gooey rice balls with marinara de la casa. Then, it’s chicken parmesano rollatini with cavatapi Milano, a decadent saffron-scented main course. They’ll want a dolce finish, and what hits that spot more than boozy tiramisu with a molten marscapone dipping sauce! You’ll dream about Damiano coming to your casa and telling you “buon appetito,” but if he did, you wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway because of his incomprehensible goddamn accent!!!!!!!
Tregaye Fraser: Sassy Tregaye’s Whimsical Poppin’ Feast on Fleek: Y’all know that Tragaye’s shoe game is always poppin’, but her poppin’ popcorn shrimp with a sassy, saucy Sriracha marinade will get this whimsical backyard BBQ off to a poppin’ start! Next, her chicken fleek-a masala with honey “chile” mustard glaze will have you saying “Yasssssss!” with more intensity and sass than the most stereotypically gay YouTube “celebrity” on the interwebs!!! The BBQ ends with a poppin’ twist on s’mores: the secret’s in the jazzed-up Grand Marnier marshmallow shots that hit the spot with these gooey morsels of decadence.
Jernard Wells: Food of Love from the Chef of Love: From the chef so full of love that he’s managed to father almost ten children comes an overflow of love juices that will seduce that special lady or man in your life. Aphrodisiac oyster fritters will have you gagging for cock and/or vagina. Then, a main course of lobster comes with a thick injection of decadent butter you’ll want to lick off your lover’s nipples. The evening ends with three minutes of forgettable missionary sex and only one orgasm.